I've gotten to this peculiar place now
Where I almost always prefer my own company
"My own sweet company"
I once wrote, roses budding from my cheeks
When I was learning to rinse & repeat
Perhaps its the over stimuli from the forest
But I get to a certain point these days
Where I am so overly exhausted by human interaction
That a pint of ice cream sits next to me tonight
As I write, submit, think
Prepare for tomorrow.

Theres something about the summer
Thats always a little bizarre
Otherworldly
This time around I don't slap faces
Or kiss those I shouldn't kiss
And it makes me close my eyes for a second
As I remember
As I remember
And I shudder and release it.

Long blue dress
Hair up in braids
I ran around with my camera
You urged me to stay
On the phone
Walking in circles
In West Avondale
Sometimes I feel the urge to text you
Only to just say
Why do you hate me so much?

But I don't.
Because your answer wouldn't do me any good
It wouldn't shut the clasp closed around my neck
That hangs by the thread of
Ashamed I got tricked
But what a vulnerable state
I crammed myself full of convincing tunes
I know you must remember
Doesn't it make your heart sick?

I don't want to do any of the things I have to do
I'm always so tired
Lounge in bed all day
Eat ice cream and forget
The forgetful things that hurt me along the way
I bottle up my fear, worried it might come back to bite me
But the summer air feels so good
I think back to who I was this time last year.

She's gone now.
Her hair was also several colors
She was scared to take the bus
She had a small group of friends
(who she would soon enough hold dear, but fly away from)
She slept on an air mattress
Her room glimmered in large windows
She was the new girl
And she gave it all she had.

I'm not the new girl anymore.
I don't waste my time pretending
(I try not to)
I could list and list the differences
But I'm too tired to.

But just know
Just know, dear sweet self

Ya done good.
Really.