There is a certain type of feeling.

There are words for most but I can't find the one for this particular feeling.

Sickening? Gut-Wrenching? Heartbroken?

None of these really seem to work.
The way I estimate my own self worth,
Realize I'm cursed since birth and move back to the first,

Initial thought,
Hoping that while I ran from my own integrity I would trip and get caught,

I never thought I would trip and slide off the edge of the ridge,
Fall and break bones and futures full of tree houses and kids,

Seems like I ******* up. Yeah, to say the least,
All I have ever wanted was freedom enough to be entrapped with you in the sheets,
Maybe Sunday mornings with our son, a football, and some cleats,

But I ****** up didn't I.

You've sworn now and I guess that changes things.
I messed up enough to burn up everything I had to bring,

I messed up some purities, crossed some lines that weren't mine to cross,
I've taken so much time trying to protect you but I've only lost,
I've paid the dues, for meals, little dates, but seems like now I've paid a higher cost,

A price I wasn't excited to of created,
But I did.
****.