i remember
when we were younger
& you'd scrape into your arms
searching for bones or soul or something more
than what you thought you had inside
& i would lie about my life
to get you to look into my eyes
but neither ever worked for us
lost causes in the search for trust
& you used to walk with your arms crossed
to make another layer to your heart
or better yet a barrier to keep the two of us apart
& that barrier you learned to build
worked better than the beer & pills
& **** & coke & ecstasy i put between you & me
because i guess we were just afraid
of the weight behind that sacred phrase:
to be in the heavy hand of love's command
& that ambulance that tried to rinse
the toxins from my coughing valves
as you got a ticket coming quickly
to see the extent of my crippled kidneys
i wonder if you understand
i just wanted you to miss me...
& all those many many arguments
so drunk, frustrated & intense
those glass-punching pancake conflicts
a competition with no confidence
that i laugh about now that things are different
now that you've forgotten my existence
& i've gotten used to this division
but at least now i know it's true
i don't think i'll get over you
until my lips are cold & blue