May 2016
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I get out of our bed. I walk across the rug we bought together to wash off my face. You are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I throw on the same clothes I wore yesterday, and go back to the mirror. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s too late. Oh ****! It’s too late! I’ve missed my class..again.
You can do this. You can do this.
I walk back across the red rug
you preferred over the tan
and I think about how much
I’ve always hated red…
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I go back to my closet and try to find suitable clothes for work, but nothing seems to look or feel right. Thoughts of our last conversation flood my mind. “I don’t want you any more” you said. 9 months..a wedding date..your niece who doesn’t like anyone who constantly asks about me and my nose jewelry..my grandma who still keeps our family Christmas picture on the fridge because you’re in it..everyone who keeps saying oh, there’s no way it's over. You’ll get back together…you are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.
I walk out the door feeling
completely worthless.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
You’re almost to work!
Pull yourself together!
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. Smile at the guests. Stop frowning so much. I am beautiful. I am important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I clock out and remember I have no where to be, no one to see, nothing to do…I have nothing without you…Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I walk across the red carpet
back to our bed where I spend
the rest of the day shaking and crying…
I have nothing…I am nothing…
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Stop crying. I am beautiful. I am important.
You can do this. You can do this.
I walk back across the red rug
you preferred over the tan
and I think about how much
I’ve always hated red…
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I go back to my closet and try to find suitable clothes for work, but nothing seems to look or feel right. Thoughts of our last conversation flood my mind. “I don’t want you any more” you said. 9 months..a wedding date..your niece who doesn’t like anyone who constantly asks about me and my nose jewelry..my grandma who still keeps our family Christmas picture on the fridge because you’re in it..everyone who keeps saying oh, there’s no way it's over. You’ll get back together…you are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.
I walk out the door feeling
completely worthless.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
You’re almost to work!
Pull yourself together!
I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. Smile at the guests. Stop frowning so much. I am beautiful. I am important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I clock out and remember I have no where to be, no one to see, nothing to do…I have nothing without you…Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I walk across the red carpet
back to our bed where I spend
the rest of the day shaking and crying…
I have nothing…I am nothing…
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Stop crying. I am beautiful. I am important.
this is one of the first poems i ever wrote..i wrote it days after he left through tears. its important to remember how far i have come even if its not that far
