I woke up one morning

Actually I've woken up every morning including this one.

Next

Sometimes at night I sleep (that's also a joke)

When I look at you
You're beautiful.
Its when I look away that you're a ****** up mess.

Sometimes when I'm sad, I name all of my greatest accomplishments. I dont mean to brag or anything but I was born so hard. They even gave me a certificate for it.

I love getting drunk and leaving myself letters, I found one the other day and it said "help me. I want to die so bad. I drink because maybe one day my heart will pump exclusively alcohol and my brain will shrivel and die, taking all these ****** up thoughts with them" what a prankster.

No but seriously, have you ever thought a guy was cute. Not in like a "I would totally **** David Beckham"  sort of way but like, nice face bro. No ****, amiright?

Shout out to all my friends. You guys actually find me amusing sometimes. That's impressive. I'm an alcoholic because I listen to my own jokes

I like telling people a joke and then when they laugh I say something funnier to follow up like "making other people laugh is the only reason I have Kurt cobained myself".

I mean come on. What is pain without humor. Sometimes it's nice to take a break. Being so deep can really hurt you, but you don't have to worry about that because I'm small.

Thank you.