I wish I didn't hate myself

I wish I didn't start rewriting my name as "nothing".

I want to feel. Anything. I try so hard to feel. I put my heart out, I tear it from my rib cage and present each separate ventricle. Why do you look away when I get to the aorta. Why doesn't my blood stain things pink so it looks good enough to wear again. Why do these pills get stuck in my throat like ***** of nails. Why won't you look at me, I don't care if you're my reflection, why won't you look at me.

I wish.

I wish I had someone that would watch the black tar seep from my hands onto a page, and wipe away the silent tears.

I wish I didn't have to slit my throat over a notebook for someone to see that im stuck. I'm stuck and all I want it your help.

I wish I didn't have to **** myself to get it.