I used to try to stay awake until the horizon turned red. Push myself further into nights darkness trying to show my thoughts true darkness instead of the thoughts in my head reminding myself things could be worse.

Funny isn't it? How a boy with all hopes and dreams, who made others lives easier than it seemed, has a defensive problem, not against an enemy but the thoughts enveloping me in my dreams.

But that's how my mind thinks. Instead of staying up till dawn I wake up before it, breaking the moons hold on my mind because those thoughts are an hourly occurring thing. Sometimes life is even crazier than my dreams because instead of my pain it is happening to my loved ones. Illness poverty death of grand parents true friends and cousins, how come we only see proof of a higher power is because they want something? Was my dad's soul and mind not enough? Almost killing me two years later just to see if we are still tough? How come we keep breaking down instead of being built from the ground up, are we supposed to credit god the universe or just bad luck?

No matter where I search I find no answers. I've wandered through churches, read and studied bible verses resisting my negative urges trying to find the reason there is no happiness for me, just pain desperate anxiety and hurting.

I'm Exhausted, worn out and used. I'm close to breaking. A work horse with scars from whips being abused while he is wondering if Kipling was wrong about the worn out tools.

Sometimes you cant rebuild you got to walk away. Think about the future because the past is so pack it can't afford the cost of what was and now lacks or the look in the face of loved ones while they speak of suicidal attacks.

History is repeating, slowly creeping from my feet over my shoulder causing abuse to my spirit. But it is really who I am that is taking the beating.

Used to be so nice now cynical.

Used to be different now typical.

When I was the same I needed to change but now you want the same you criticise and say I am to blame.

Oh its Cole Hood the guy who ran away came back fell flat on his face while everyone laughed because he finally had to face what he lacks.

You can only give so much before you are gone. Never being able to restart the fire of your light, it has dimmed like it never truly reached dawn. So when you wake up from a coma. No balloons sweet flowers aroma. Empty room no one giving a soulful sacrifice like you, the moon light beckons you back.

So you stay awake until the horizon turns red. The thoughts will either end, or start again. Now I'm waiting for dawn, my long lost friend.