I don't feel strong today.
My armor of metal and glass swan shaped figurines
That twirl on pedestals to my favorite happiest songs
Has temporarily stopped, idle.

Friday, Friday
Got the day off, drug myself through the inner torment
Opened with hungover eyes
Pouring water all over my wounds
I tangle myself in my web of paranoia
And frightening remains of vulnerability
Of he said, she said.

Shots of Jameson
Thank God got that crew with me
We vibin' out real hard
Making art with full hearts
I don't miss theatre very much
But it will always be there for me
When I retrace my footsteps.

I don't know what I'm doing though.
But folks wave me down with eager hands
And yet,
I still feel like the biggest
Most hated
Joke
Loser.

Clown nose, line me up next to the rest
Check me off cuz I don't matter
But in my head, I'm the star of my own show
I radiate and levitate in my best moments
But today I choose to disappear.

The outside world calls to me
The thin hands of my women yearn and ask me
How my soul abides
A new pimple on my chin
Your heart must ache today too.

But none of it matters
No, none of it matters at all anymore.
Theres not one person
Moment
That could pull me out of this rough week
But me.

So I nod back and forth
Choose to revive my soul on Friday night
Feeling picked on, tricked
It all gravitates with monumental shouts
I eat hummus and avocados
Have I lost more weight?
My room mate asks like I should be ashamed
Everyone is a bully in my head.

I wrote **** it all
On the white board on our refrigerator last night
Turned my phone off, jotted down a drunk poem
Now the trick is to move past the hostility
The killing of lost love
And I could mark out a thousand pieces of paper
In blueberry or strawberry flavored ink
But it would all still be painful.

Its been a rough
Tough
Challenging
Vulnerable
Breath taking
Year One.