i close my eyes every night
and pray to a god i don’t believe in
that these dormant volcanoes will finally erupt,
that they'll finally burn away
the ashes under my finger nails
from every touch i can't ever give back,
that they'll finally drown me
in a scorching pang of apathy
so i can stop holding my breath;

I close my eyes every night
and take the hands of
a devil I don't believe in
while he leads me down to the fountain
and holds my head under the water
just so I'll stop begging him to do it for me,
just so I can  wash down
the bile rising up in my throat
with a poison i’m beginning to reek of,
a poison swimming in my veins
and washing me away to a beach shore somewhere
with the salty tide tickling my tongue in the mist;

i can almost taste it.

but when the sun goes down
and the sky turns black
and the whisper of a
sea breeze behind my lips
fades back to broken mountains,
when i finally open my eyes
and i’m wading in the same swamp again
with that familiar sweaty scent
of musky resolution clinging to me,
i can't help but remember that it’s all real,
and yet none of it is;
i can’t help but scrub at the regret in my bones
until my skin turns red;
i can’t help but try to wash away this empty memory;

it chatters in my teeth
until my gums are raw and ******.

there’s a volcano stuck inside me
while i’m praying for a hurricane
to come and set me free

nobody ever taught me
it wasn't supposed to be like this.