The streak in my hair fades to crystal blue
Birds chirp and sing outside my window
The smoothie I made has a million ingredients
I don't know if I'm alone in our 3 bedroom
I ate for free today at work
Had the left overs for dinner
Everything requiring hundreds of dollars piles up high
My parents live and breathe and love me, though they will always expect more
(This is why I will always sort of believe I am never good enough)
I'll always wish I had known better with insert him
Philly continues on without me
I'm happier in Chicago than I was there
I have yet to meet "my person"
I wonder everyday, multiple times a day
If he exists
Since I was a kid, I've always believed I would be assassinated someday
My childhood friend Anna and I use to put on nonverbal sketches to music, playing out that very thing.
It was dramatic and dumb
And so rawly stunning.
I'm a freak in the sheets.
But there is nothing quite like making love.
I wake up every morning and get on the computer
But first, coffee.

I never meant to get into filmmaking
It was an accident.
I don't miss my ex, but I'd like to break his neck
I grow more and more apathetic with my feelings towards him
Each and everyday
I no longer mark out the days
But he haunted me everywhere I went Friday night.
I got caught up in perhaps, the wrong people when I first moved here
I'll always love them.
My parents still help me with money but I pray to end that
I'm the busiest I've ever been
I ate carbs today
And a chocolate popsicle yesterday
One of my girlfriends ate strawberry
It was cute.

One of my past lovers texted me a lot on Friday
(I didn't care but liked the attention)
There are so few men I'm sincerely interested in
I watch the numbers of the money I earn disappear
I miss my old friends but new ones grow
I've been here for almost a full year
I'm still figuring out who I am
Every. Day.
I finally do and say
Almost exactly as I would want.
A good friend of mine really hurt me recently with her criticism
(She did it out of love. But it was brutal)
I recover.
When a new man comes into my life, I'm scared for them to see me without make up for the first time<---a product of my upbringing and who I am.
I throw on whatever I want for clothes everyday and pay very little heed to what others would wear if they were me
I want more tattoos
I don't want to cut all my hair off anymore (as of the moment.)
My film drops and will be screened all around Chicago in mere weeks
My room mate has a much higher standard of living than me
My other room mate acts like a mouse.

I'm planning a road trip with two of my closest, newest friends
Whenever people try to own me or tell me what to do, I run.
(Literally.)
(I once ran away from my entire family in Disney World)
I spent all day being "lost"

One of my ex boyfriends lives in my old apartment with his girlfriend, it is and will always be ******* weird.
(I never really loved him but I tried to.)
My eyes work like a camera
I find myself thinking more about your new girl than you.
My dreams have always been short films
I miss my brothers
Our lives could not be more different
I want to have children
I might want to get married
But I refuse to wear white
I don't want a relationship. Not now. Not for a while.
I'm so drained, I have nothing to give other than presents
(Presence)
I'm on the IUD
I never know when I (gasp) bleed anymore
So I claim to be in a perpetual state of:
"I'm on my period?"
I worry that everyone is mad at me
(All. The Time.)
I'll always be the queen bee
(Don't even have to try.)
I retrace and go back to words exchanged, find the badness in it
It is the small interior death of me
I'm the skinniest I've ever been
I love the way my body looks
(And saying that scares me that others would find me vain)
Sometimes I pretend to like my body less to make others comfortable
Its easier to act small and shy
But I'd really rather rebel.
I miss my grandmother
(She died.)
Its time to move.
Change is always good to me.
I easily adapt
I have introduced myself and put myself out there, on my own
So. So. SO. Very much. The reward of that vulnerability
Has been so ******* plentiful.
I wish I could alter things a bit
But the struggle is so beautiful
Things are about to take off
But I'm so sick of saying that.
**** it.

I'm always tired
I love being alone.
I canceled all my plans today after work because I wanted to be with myself
(This is a thing I so deeply cherish.)
I miss theatre.
But I also really don't.
My **** got stolen Friday night
Another agent wanted to sign me, but she recommended I grow patient and give it 6 months
I look around and see who really has my back.
I am an extremely paranoid, sensitive person
I make art and it is like therapy
(I once had a co-worker who tried to steer me away from this and pit me against a best friend. She failed.)
I wear a uniform to one of my day jobs. I hate it.
(Khaki and brown)
I would rather find gems at a thrift store than drop $200 on one blouse
My dress for the premiere looks like a goddess gown
It is mothers day
I miss Alabama
I woke up with pink eye this morning
One of my girlfriends wants to move back home
(She is one of very very favorites. Lets hope she sticks it out.)
The first year is always the hardest.
Its always hard.
Highest highs. Lowest lows.

I bring light into every situation
And for once
I'm allowing myself to really
Own that.