I could allow my fingertips
To dip into pots of honey soaked blood
And recite and formulate
The phrases and words I hear in my skull
(It took me such a long time to say that word without an accent)
And for a brief second, I remember that girl
So well
Bill Cosby sweater
A red sweaty face
My hair up
Standing in front of a mirror
In front of the whole class
I wanted it all so badly.

I've clung to the men I've dated
Framed my life around them
My Production Designer said to me over Dark & Stormy's
Last week
She told me her life plan
It made sense, it was beautiful
And she asked me mine
I struggled for an answer
I really didn't and still don't know anymore
I mentioned that it just has changed so much
Because I thought this with you
Or I would have this with you
And in other words
She so kindly and with such a regal tone
"They are just the men we ****."
She hadn't mentioned the love of her life
The man she lived with
Once.

So what is it about me
That has had me place the men in my life on such pedestals
For the first time I don't long
I don't hunt
I don't feel this undying need to have someone sleep next to me
Be with me
Eat with me
**** me
Love me.

No, not anymore.
Was it a validation?
A hole?
And I'm sure as **** not perfect
But I can leave bars, come into my room alone
Get ready for bed
Glad to do my own routine
And sometimes I feel lonely
And I fear finding "The One"
But what is it about me
That put such importance on that all my life?

A few men said some dumb **** to me tonight
After the screening
And I felt myself just
Hating them
And smiling through my teeth
And then I thought
Man. Are they just less educated?
They get away with ******.
And then I thought, ****
They are just human
Let them just be human.

I met a man tonight
Who I was attracted to at first
As I slid my business card across the table
He remarked with bewilderment and some threat
That I had done so much
How
He's 46
He revealed when I asked

But I blink a few times
Throw my head back and laugh
A slew of the wrong men
That held onto me so tightly
Until with a giant thump
Freed me into the ocean
They wanted me to drown
Because they couldn't bare
To see me happy without them
But I did
I transformed into a mermaid.