You held my head below the spigot
The river dangerously near its capacity
Told me to drink you,
'cause you’d do it for me
So I did.

I was asking God to give me a sign
Just between us, two – knock over the glass,
I wouldn’t tell.
I learned that God engages only with good girls
Who don’t
go around giving out free milk, like my mother said.
Girls who lactate only after they’ve been whitened
and rung -
Whose milk nourishes, full stop.

I found the cavities in my skin early
I dug them deeper -
I wore infection like a veil yellowed with time
Over skin undefiled

'I'd rather learn from my own mistakes than from Jesus''
I said,
when I was made to swallow the wafer
that bore my name

It's true
I'd rather ache alone than be made to love anything
God doesn't love women like me.