Its chilly outside these last few days
I think of you some days and then some days
You skip my mind like looking glass
I fuel it into my art, my heart
But I hear phrases in my head
And forget just about every single one of them
But at the end of the day
The most painful part
Is that you became everything you swore to vehemently
To never be.

You might take the gold
The trophy
Lets glamorize you for a moment in drama
You are the worst.

Congratulations
It doesn't ******* matter.

But I do go back to
When we laid on my bed
For 5 hours on my birthday
I needed to tell you everything
I unfolded my entire past
A la Sophie's Choice
Or so I thought in my little silly head
And you revealed your truth
That was everyday, in my face
Perhaps we both
Could have been better.

Or the time we rode on the ferris wheel
So new, so fresh
Tuesdays were our day
And sometimes when I get drunk
I start to linger on the idea of reaching out
But a group of 9 eyes
And your deception
Stops me every time.

I guess I thought things might be different
I have very little tolerance for those who don't
Choose to be present, active
Beautiful Innovator is having a tough time
I don't know what we are
My room mate asked me how we were last night
It was weird.

I don't know?
We are good?
We are existing?
We talk everyday?
I want you
You want me
But we don't proceed in that way
And thank God.

Gotta be a pin up tomorrow
Let me run in the forest
I remember when we decided we should go
I felt so deeply in my coffee shop uniform
I need this. I need that.
My filmmaker friend tonight
Told me he would put me in contact
With all of the program directors
Of the film festivals
So much is about to happen
I can feel it and I can taste it
And there are those that so badly
Want to lessen me, what I do
Wave me off as diminutive or average
And sometimes I think a lot
That, that is my own analytical fears
Reflecting back at me

But **** it
I say covering myself in silly string, harps, rainbows, hula hoops
This time last year I didn't ******* live here
I've had those who helped twirl me into my present
But my feet
My feet are planted in the earth.