Always there and never here

the old carrot on a rope trick
I always fall for it.

happiness is there, happiness is doing that, happiness is making that much money, happiness is sleeping with her, happiness is hanging out with them....

but
it's not.

happiness is not the carrot on the rope,
it's a state of mind.

my mother identifies as Catholic yet she always taught me that heaven and hell exist at the same time. heaven is a state of mind, hell is self pity.

and yet,

I'm seeking peace through turmoil.

I love this town, I love The Curly Wolf Espresso House, I love Thursday night karaoke at The National Hotel Bar, I love the south fork of The Yuba River, but I gotta get away.

this monotony has turned from fruitful to choking. this monotony turned its back on me.
this complacency has turned from refreshing to restricting. this complacency turned its back on me.

I've never in my life felt apathetic!
is it a curse? is it a destiny?

I told the girl I've loved for seven years that I'm moving six hundred miles away from her  and she cried in my arms. 'You can't. You can't, I need you. I need you.'

I never know what to say when somebody I love cries. I told her 'shh shh don't cry. I need to. I need to.'


my mother wishes me the best, my big sister is proud of me. I haven't brought myself to tell my little sister yet. I won't tell my friends, they'll try to throw me a party; I couldn't handle that.
My boss is giving me a recommendation, my good friend Joey is coming with me, my father hasn't returned my call.