I think I’ve lost it
That cloud of smoke that once settled
Deep inside me
Close to my heart and in the pit of my belly

I think it ran away and left me behind
Maybe it doesn’t like me anymore
Maybe I’m a different breed now
I’m “healed” so now I’m “healthy”
My cloudy smoke doesn’t like healthy
She likes it when it’s grey and empty
Nothingness so deep
I can feel it tingling in my feet and palms
It makes me sick

But god it’s so beautiful
The things that I can create from pain
The things I can say
When my belly trembles
And my hot breath forms a voice
That carries out my cries
But I’ve fallen silent

Instead my sadness just brings sleep
And the sun hides behind clouds
Sky is nothing but an endless wall of grey

I can’t dance in the rain
I don’t feel like screaming at the hot wind
I just become quiet
Immersed in my new being
This distant person
Who speaks with precision rather than wild crying
This woman who smiles instead of a girl who makes faces
Writes and reads
And has time to rise with the sun

I’m so bored with womanhood
I want to be free to run and play
Take time and feel god sitting beside me

I want to breathe and have it mean something
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a real person
With a real personality
Not just a professional who smiles

I have to be alone
And listen to my belly
And the smoking cloud that sets me free
The ones that burns up my heart crisp