I have a picture in
my wallet.
Sometimes it makes me
smile and
sometimes it makes me cry.

You were only 5
holding you’re infant brother.
You looked so ******’
happy.

Now, you’re infant brother
is in his 20’s
drinking his pain away.
Trying to do the
impossible.
Trying to stick around
and push through the *******
which is life.

I find myself thinking about it.
Thinking how easy it could be.
To do what you did,
To leave this world on my own terms.

But after you left,
the vacancy signs
above that white gate
illuminated their no’s.

It’s not my time.
I keep telling myself that.
I need to stick around for Mom.
She’s so lost.
So’s Dad, yet he wouldn’t admit it.

My life would be so much different
with you in it.
I could just imagine the trouble we
would get into.
The crazy things we would do,
and the amazing lessons
you would have taught me.

Remember that time
You were playing catch with
a football?
You weren’t paying attention
where you were running
and ran right into a car.
Your knee was so ******
and when I asked you if you were okay,
all you had to say was
“*******, Jake.”
What I would do to hear that again.

But you’re gone now,
the world ***** now,
I’m all alone now,
Tears roll down my face
so frequently now.

I’m waiting for the No’s
on those illuminated Vacancy signs
to dim.
So I can follow you
See you once again.
Hug you like I never did.

I miss you,
I love you.
One day, big brother,
One day.