She’s not me, I’m nothing like her.

****, she’s gorgeous.

You’re so in love with her. It’s beautiful, really.

I watch myself in the background of my mind, and comfort me as I cry. I deserve that love.

I deserve you.

I run into you again some odd months later.

I smile in your face and congratulate you on your new found happiness.

You tell me that you’ve never met anyone like her.

Yeah, I’m sure you haven’t.

You tell me how deep in love you are and I smile from ear to ear. Hearing the happiness that lingers in your voice always makes me smile.

You give me a tight hug and thank me for my well wishes upon you two’s new found relationship and say you’ve got to run.

I nodded my head, said goodbye and walked off in the opposite direction. My heart racing, your hugs always had the ability to do that… I continued walking, and ignored your scent that found a way to make itself cozy on my clothes and soon after, in my nose.

I fought away the tears as I continued trekking along to where I was going. I couldn’t let the city see me cry.

A few years later, on my day off, as I’m sitting on near the windowsill reading the daily newspaper with my slight after noon cup of tea, I got this nervous feeling in my gut.

Then a thought of you.

Pulling myself together, I shook away the thought and quickly found something to focus on.

I look out of the front window of my lonely home and hear the faint tires of the mailman driving away from my mailbox.

I gather myself and I walk rather swiftly down the steaming hot driveway and up to the mailbox to gather todays bills and some of yesterdays payments.

Shuffling through the envelopes, bill..bill..bill..

Your name?

Her name?

Official seal?

My heart races and all I can think about is the word “no”.

I feel my hot tea resurfacing as though it didn’t like its place in my stomach. And almost as if it was right on cue, a tear rolls down my cheek..

Still.. I continue to open the letter.

My hands are trembling and I’m biting my bottom lip clinging onto it with my top teeth as though my life depended on it.

“The honor of your noble presence has been requested at the marriage of… “

I dropped everything. I couldn’t read anymore.

My heart burst into flames and my body emitted a tiny involuntary whimper.

I walked inside, this time unaware of the heat rising from the pavement.

I sat down in the middle of the floor in my house of loneliness, and I cried.

Tear after tear, sob after sob, sniffle after sniffle. I cried.

Unable to move..unable to speak. I just.. cried.

I thought of what we could’ve been and the time that we shared.  

The time that obviously meant nothing.

The time that I should’ve never cherished.

The least that you could do is stay out of my dreams.

I should’ve seen it coming. Lord knows I should have. But I didn’t. And now I’m stuck in the shadow of her perfection as you bind yourself in unity before G-d and the congregation.

She’s perfect.

I’m jealous.

She has you.

I deserve you.