I don't want to be miserably happy. To have others think I'm not miserable and lonely but truth be told I'm getting older and grumpy. I hate that I have to hide my feelings and they pour out of me. That jk fragile but that's not aloud when you grow up and out into the world in front of yourself. That you can find the child left in your heart and so you rely upon shame and self doubt. I hate going to bed and forcing myself not to think because the thought of being my own person scares the fake person inside me. And u have to smile and wear nothing but fake pleasure  like a scarlet letter but it helps justify my needs. And the fact I don't have needs. And the idea I want to lose my wants and find my flaws and smoke them up because behind this newly discovered person are still the same flaws just covered up with a new awakening I try and share with those I need to impress to feel like good and whole and really I just want to be ******* raw. I want my scars to seep out and my secrets to unlock their closet and I want to tear down my securities walls and tell myself I am not whole. I am not okay and I love being forgotten.