if i had died last night,
would you blame me for an entire day
and the next day pretend i hadn't had existed at all?
that's what usually would be happening,
so when i die i try to live,
when i died i swear i tried to live.

my body is stronger than the ocean,
healthier than hospitals.
i've never felt safe in a hospital.
that building reeks of regret and i
spent my childhood breathing in its air.
you know, everything
that makes me want to die is learned.
school didn't teach me how to unlearn,

i taught myself to drown and dad me to swim.
he doesn't know swimming is a scar.
i, too, didn't
until i remember the sisters,
the classroom,
everything strange remains strange for me.
i ******* want to fit in.
don't tell me to stand out, i don't even
stand out oh god i'm ******* outcasted.

i do not fit in,
either too large or too small
i'm just a weird piece, i
can't complete your puzzle ******* i'm so sorry

i didn't mean that.
i have shoes glued to the ground.
i'd have to speak softly to them,
you are the ones that keep my feet on the ground!
but my feet know the truth,
my feet have known everything true since
the first time they were dipped
in the kindergarten pool.
i ******* want to fit in.
can you tell?
i, like this, want to ******* fit in?

ok i'm sorry i didn't mean that.
i didn't die last night and case closed.