listen to me
listen to my thoughts breathing in and out with air and bubbling frustration of not being able to speak
my thoughts are running away from myself
running through my head but away from my mouth they direct themselves inward spiraling around my heart as they guess and second guess and third guess themselves again wondering if they should peer outside this body of mine or not
it is so much safer to not
safe and secure beneath my blood and pumping veins the thoughts of my brain keep hidden away from others
they dive deeper into my own
my self
and lock themselves in underneath muscle and bone
tucked away in the crevices of my  ribcage
hiding behind veins blue and red caught inside so deep they will have to fight a million pieces of flesh and skin to just get to the top of my brain once again
fighting is not what they are good at
they are good at hiding
staying safe and warm in the comfy cozy oneness and aloneness and darkness that is my body
my body will keep safe and hidden as long as I let it
and my fight will be a long dream like sleep that takes over my life
should I wake it up and scream and shout?
Or stay tucked in bed for my whole life long?
Is the fight really worth it?
What will come of me if I never let out my opinions? if I never dream or dare to let others peer inside my dreams or fears and lusting longing for luscious luxurious love?
What if I just stay safe and secure because that is certain and the only way to not get hurt
The struggle between fighting for my own voice to be heard and the safety net of my hidden soul lingers

My brain and my heart do not get along
They are like school girls in 8th grade. Pretending the other one exists and acting like they care to their face but they are two faced structures
And when they turn their backs neither one of them praises the other. They are like old wounds deepening with the lack of care for each other
The only way to make them see one another is to really look
Do not ignore
Do not disregard
Do not deny
Denial is the death of forgiveness the enemy of love and the trigger for all self-mutilation
I will someday Self destruct and it won’t be anyone’s fault but my own head and my own heart and the nuclear bomb that they create
I should be the therapist that sits them down and mediates their listening skills:

Head, you go first:
Head: I want my feelings to be heard and my thoughts to be remembered and my voice to have an active role in humanity!
Heart: but I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to get in the way, staying silent is the only way to keep me safe and sane
Head: then you will never be awake in your life. You will live silently dream alone, until no one remembers who you were or what you wanted or what you gave to this world – what about giving back? Do you want to change the world we live in? Or just sit in silence and watch it pass you by?
Heart: I want love and be loved. I want to be remembered for my quiet power, my resilience, my humbleness, my healing power. My discreet strength in maneuvering the stronger voices that surround me. My voice is capable of change. Through transition and pushing through other people’s thoughts in a different new position
I will be invaluable to anyone who needs a listening ear, a soft sponge, a sensitive sounding board. I will let them use me like a sponge while I swiftly take note of how to change them. To make them love me so that they listen to my words with care. They think they are using me, but really I am the one using their brave voice to be the voice of my own. To influence the strong voices around me is the one discrete and passively strong way I can assert my voice upon the world. I will use my quiet power for good.

OR I could just share this poem
And then my silence, as it stands will end.