at age six, I told the god that I didn't believe existed
that I wasn't going to wish him happy birthday anymore.

these days we come full circle:
I spent my eleventh birthday
with death behind my eyes and a best friend that wouldn't call.

on my thirteen and a quarter birthday
I spent my day dreaming with the sun.
at 11:33 PM, I hand-wrote a will
and hid it in my drawer so that
my parents would know who should get my
babysitting money and the naked American Girl Doll
with the dislocated leg.

these days we come full circle:
I spent my twentieth year
having nightmares that my dad killed my brother.
my mom was flying the helicopter --
we were watching them from above and
she wouldn't let me save him.
all I could do was pray that he wouldn't get
****** into the nothingness
that I was destined for.