There aren't any pretty words for this.
There aren't really any words at all.
After you said goodnight (and I ripped your heart in half because I'm angry and stupid and absolutely evil) I went to the bathroom and nearly vomited.
I tried to cry. I could feel the hours and hours of tears filling up my head but every time I tried, I would deflate like a balloon. The tears just wouldn't come. I nearly vomited again.
I nearly went into the kitchen and got the bottle of peppermint schnapps to get myself drunk so I didn't have to think about how I just absolutely ruined my relationship but when I tried to stand I collapsed on my bed.
I tried to go get a knife to teach myself a lesson but I didn't have any bandaids and I couldn't get up anymore.
I have never felt more evil or more wrong or more hurtful.
If you're reading this, please forgive me.
Please, dear God, forget what I said.
I'm begging you.
My anger got the best of me.
Please don't let me define the worst of you.
And even as I type, I can hear you forming your break up speech.
I can hear your stomach trying to digest itself.
I can hear you crying and thinking about how horrible you are.
And I made it worse.
It's my job to protect you and I failed. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly.
I can't
I can't do it
I thinking I'm going to throw up again