i could of been a million things,
but i'm one of those million.
A billion manipulations,
hundreds of thousands of conversations,
and a trillion situations,
but i'm now just the combination,
of the placements of those subtle decisions.

the result is this.
an accumulation of bad decisions,
and fear.

conditioned to do what maintains my survival,
rather than whats vital to experience.
i'm nowhere near the person i could of been.

or should of been.

but it's too late now,
to change my stubborn ways.
a scared diplomatic reasonable boring *******.

that can't ride the rollercoaster.
that can't sky dive.
that can't leave the country.
that can't commit suicide.

pragmatic and content.
the worst combination.

i can't break the mould of my equation.
too sensible.
not scared,
just placid.

emotionless.

dead inside,

money means nothing,
success is nothing,
doing nothing is nothing,
but its easier as it has the same result.

i used to feel something,

but i don't know when that was.

maybe it was me.
maybe it was the ****.
maybe it was the world.
maybe it was the girls.

either way,
now,
nothing is my only friend.

and I've tried to feel -
but its not worked for nearly ten years.

i'm not sure i'll ever feel anything again,
but i'll pretend things matter, so i can fit in.

I was asked am i excited to go on holiday,
i said yes,
but i wasn't.
nothing changed.
nothing ever has.

I've seen so many things in the past few years.
neil young.
rolling stones.
bob dylan.
radiohead.
foo fighters.

i stayed in jim morons  motel room.

i felt nothing.

literally nothing.

i've succeeded more than ever before -

i won a £1500 last night.

Nothing.

It's my only friend and only emotion and none understands why i can't feel anything.
I dont understand it either.

I would do anything to feel terrible,
or anything,
pain,
love,
hope,
happy,
sad,
anything.

my feelings are frozen in stone.

I can't even care - it doesn't even bother me.

I'm just aware of it.

Nothing is my everything now.