My friends discuss the most effective ways
To inhale the dust of broken lives
Into their brains.
When I tell them
"I tried to **** myself several years ago"
With the same substances they try to get high on
The room goes silent
The response, it's never pretty.
It is about as beautiful as the river I wanted to drown in
About as messy as the blood stained sheets
I try to bleach them clean now
Maybe if I pour bleach into my mind
The thoughts will not be there anymore
I try to pretend it isn't real
That dangling from a bridge like a young girl's earring
Doesn't still sound appealing some days
But I am learning to swim with bricks tied to each ankle
I am learning to wake up
And not fear my own reflection
Because I am still here
And the survival makes my life
Even more beautiful than it would have been
Because I am in this moment
Even in the ones I wish would, like mist, dissipate into thin air
Sometimes I wish I could dissipate into thin air
When I no longer want to be
I remember that I must
When I no longer want to be
I remember the look on his empty face
When he removed himself from the story
And it had an abrupt ending
When I no longer want to be
I remember that I am
I remember that I am
I remember that I am here
That this moment loves me
Even when I don't love myself
That this moment is more beautiful
Than the way I decorated my body in scars
That I am a mosaic of broken glass
And soon the picture
Will be one that I want to look at
Soon the picture
Will reflect the love I have for myself
Even when I want to reject it
Love, do you recognize yourself?
You survived
You are still here.