“I only wish you knew him… before”

You had a stroke when I was four months old,
And that made you so very different.

You were different from the man my parents knew,
Different from the man grandma married,
Different from the man who made everyone laugh,
Different from the man who would jump onstage.

For thirteen years I knew a man,
And for thirteen years that was the only version of you
That existed.

Post-stroke you grew alongside me.
We were the same age,
We were kindred spirits.

Even though I didn’t know you…
Before,
I still think I knew who you were.

The man I knew was independent,
The man I knew could use only one arm,
But would open packages with his teeth,
Rather than ask for help.

The man I knew was determined,
He taught himself to write,
Using his left hand,
Instead of his right.

The man I knew was caring,
Even when he was sick,
He put us before himself,
Blowing kisses,
Rather than getting us sick.

The man I knew was patient,
He helped me plant sunflowers,
And we watered them until they grew,
To be taller than me.

The man I knew was talented,
He built a whole table,
With only one available arm.

You taught me to be aware,
When I had to move my toys,
So you could walk through the living room.

You taught me to be lighthearted,
Making jokes to me,
Even as you laid dying in the hospital.

Life doesn’t have to be so serious.

I know I got so much from you,
I know you’re probably a big reason I love the stage,
A big reason I love to laugh,
A big reason I’m so sarcastic.

And while I love hearing stories,
About who you were “before,”
I know that the you that I knew was absolutely
Wonderful.

I still knew an amazing person,
And I can only hope that one day,
People will talk about me as fondly,
As they talk about you.

The thirteen years I knew you,
Were some of the best of my life,
And even though I know I’ll lose,
More of the people I love,
You were the first,
And so you hold a special place.

The last five years have been strange,
Seeing your chair empty,
Seeing your bed gone,
Seeing the backyard devoid,
Of random construction projects.

I miss you,
Grandpa,
And I love you,
And I’ll see you one day soon,
And then I’ll know you as you were,
“Before.”