my dad always told me
if you ever want to be the best at something
you have to start at a young age.
i didn't mean to be the best
at coming up with a good prayer
at christmas dinner,
but since my name is grace,
that's basically a silent volunteer
to be the one to say it right?
i didn't mean to be the best
at lying on the spot about
buying bandaids in excess
or using the reference of
"it was just for poetic effect".
i guess i took it the wrong way.
my dad always told me
during thunderstorms
and tornado warnings
that i should never be scared
unless he is scared.
but that's near impossible
because nowadays, i get scared
hearing my name in public and
i don't think he'd start shaking
at the mention of prescription drugs
or at the sight of a white car
in the rear view mirror.
i've learned to stop taking his advice.
people say to leave the past in the past
but what do they say to the past
about staying away from the present?
my father was born deaf,
but with all of the times recently
that i've been calling out for help
i'm beginning to think that
it's my mom who is really the deaf one.
or maybe it's just the fact
that people tend to simply hear
what's said, and not listen.
for a couple of years
there was this pattern
where i would have dreams
of just regular realistic things
and they would actually happen
play by play
in "real life".
& lately,
i've been having this reoccurring dream
of driving off of a bridge.
& now i've found myself
taking the long way home
more often than not
for a chance to cross one.
not because i want it to happen
but more to test my consistency i guess.
my dad always told me
when he would wake me up
really early in the morning
that if you look close enough,
everything is a different shade of blue.
& since then, i've decided
that all i ask for
is to be remembered
as the time of day
when everything is blue.