there were a few (fairly) successful techniques i used
to erase you.
one day
she may leave,
so
let me share a few.
unfortunately,
the whole ordeal wasn't as easy as sending you to my recycle bin
or backspacing your name out of my chest.
i couldn't paint over the dark alleys in my heart that you had
graffitied with your naked body,
nor could i sell any of the useless crap you left inside me on ebay.
what idiot wants to buy someone else's used compliments or broken promises??
whatever,
online shopping is overrated anyways.
so,
back to heart break...
let's begin with the
obvious.
i deleted you on
facebook,
how could we be "friends"
when seeing your name
was like force-feeding myself
a fresh slice of pain?
i erased your number.
i refuse to be the pathetic drunk
who sexts at three am,
reminiscing on all the good times
i thought we had.
"babeee, rememb er thast one
timse, when we madske love
underf the stasrs..."
so not my style,
must always remain classy,
even when the tornado
seems to heading straight for
your heart,
and the flying shit never seems to stop.
yes, the world may be falling apart,
but you always have the power to
smile.
remember that after the storm,
everything will be rebuilt
stronger.
i burned all of the 1,000 letters you never wrote
and all of the "I love yous" i never read (but in my head)
until
the ash of yesterday
became flames that could
guide me into tomorrow
unscathed.
in less poetic terms,
i stopped thinking about every fucking
sweet thing you had ever said to me
and started focusing on other people's
words, namely my own.
6 months later, I am able to
hear the sound of your voice
without cringing.
180 days of un-remembering you,
and i finally am free to be me,
the girl/woman who is sitting here
realizing that you are going to learn
from me learning from you.
it's a crazy, beautiful, weird, fucked up process,
right?
this circle of life...
and finally,
i forced myself to
see you.
similar to the
way in which a diabetic child
gazes longingly through the
window of the neighborhood bakery,
all transparency and overly indulgent imagination,
i looked through you enough times
to convince myself you were the perfect
creation,
sweet but not sickeningly so,
tart but not too sour,
a hint of spiciness to aliven the equation and
a little bitterness to sharpen the sensation.
only problem is,
i forgot i was the chef.
seeing you now through clean eyes,
testing your flavor with a mouth sobered by truth,
your taste is still sweet
but a little fake,
Splenda instead of brown sugar.
I detect the artificiality,
is that why she is leaving you?
no matter the cause,
no matter the outcome of this
most painful breakup,
know that one day, you will love again.
you will meet that one person who will
wake you up from the dream
you didn't realize you were living,
that one who will bring breath
to parts of your body you didn't
know existed.
on the blackest of nights, you will walk around
a corner on some random street
in the middle of no where,
and there she will
be,
standing under a street lamp,
smiling up at the midnight sun.
her body will beckon you,
invite you to dance,
and
you must accept the call.
even if you are scared,
even if your heart is still broken,
even if you think you still belong to the one who
left you,
you must answer to love,
and in return life
will answer to you.
once you allow yourself to fall again,
the hurt will mend,
and your wings will spread,
wider and more ready than ever.
always remember,
you are the only one
holding yourself prisoner.