for so long i have been so depressed about this, and insisted on tucking it away for the rest of my life. and as life has gone on, as it always does and will, i realize now that i could never be happy denying a part of me that i cannot change. and how you reacted when i told you, i can't say i didn't expect. i was more prepared for it this time than the first time, though every time it still hurts just the same, some days more than others. you may think i stayed up all night trying to string together the perfect words, but i didn't. i've stayed up days, weeks, months, trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say. i have been battling with this for some time now, questioning weather or not it is real, if what im feeling is real. i know, this is like throwing myself out into the ocean with no life saver, and i can either hit or miss this right on the dot. i'm young, so young, and at times can't even decide what i want to eat or wear, but what i do know is that as the days pass i am growing up and learning to figure out what i want in my life, who i want in my life, and where my heart is.
im standing between roads, some made up of all the things ill never be, some made up of all the things i never said, and others paved for me that i never took, and the only thing that's kept me from walking forward, to the road im on now, is what follows after i make this first step. you always taught me to follow my heart, and ive come to realize that this is my road. this is where my journey begins and the rest is still not known, but im prepared. ive made my mind up that this is where im going, this is who i am. and yes i will admit it's scary and it's full of a lot of pain and loneliness and dark moments but what journey isn't. (ive learned that from you.)
ever since i was little i tried to be the picture perfect girl, ever since i was little i was the picture perfect girl, and after the picture was taken and hung on the wall for everyone else i stared back at it and frowned. i am an athlete, i am an excelling student, i am am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, i am ci to some, caroline to others, i am these things. i am not "you like girls," i am not "you like boys," because those things don't define me, because i am not a label, and refuse to be one, not to the world, to my family, the people around me, not anyone. im not asking you for acceptance, but im asking you for understanding. and i know you don't understand either how "i could be this way" but if i can help you understand anything, it's that for once, finally, i am happy.
and i hope that you can understand that this isn’t a phase, and see that i am coming to you now after years of questioning. this wasn't something that i just woke up one morning and decided to feel and claim in my heart. this has took so much of me to think over and make sure i knew what exactly was happening. i don't want you to think that im not the same person after i tell you this. i still have goals of going to college and working hard, and dreams of someday having my own family. i still have self respect and morals you taught me. i just want you to love me. this part of me doesn't have to be discussed at family gatherings or anywhere for that matter, but i wont be ashamed of it anymore. i can say that my heart doesn't limit who or how i love, and for years i couldn’t even admit this conclusion to myself. i always thought that the feelings would eventually go away if i ignored them long enough. i thought that after i met the right guy i could be normal, be all you wanted for myself. but i cant keep faking it, because if i do, i dont know if ill ever make it. i know she has messed up, and i know she has crossed lines at times, and if i sat here i could list a million of her faults, but she's human, she messed up and will again but she is gentle and her intentions are good, and for that i love her. i wouldnt ever say she is perfect, but if we are pointing fingers, what about my mistakes? what about the people around you? your own? i have come to realize that if i hold onto the past i hold on to weight that is just that, weight. it doesnt get me anywhere but back and you've always taught me to be an arrow, always going forward. when it comes to love its not about it being a girl or a guy, its about a person being a person and loving me and treating me how for so long i have waited on. everything about me will be the same after this. the only thing that will change from after you reading this is your knowledge of me. i want you to believe you didn't raise me the wrong way, i wouldn't change how you did raise me, and you shouldn't think there is a thing you would, should, or could change. the only thing im begging is support for all that i am and all im not. you've been by my side for all my years and you deserve to know this part of me, too. no more hiding. i love you with all of my heart, and i hope that one day you'll accept me for who i am.