i have never been sexually assaulted

but i have been abused

since i was just a little boy

i was seven years old

and i felt so alone

and wrong

and hated

and everybody just

told me to smile

like that could

make the bruises on my wrists

from my mother dragging me around

fade

like it would make the hatred i felt for myself

go away

and i have stayed up all night

talking to my friends

so they wouldn't hurt themselves

or worse

and they did the same to me

and the circles under my eyes

and coffee on my breath

were taken so lightly

but how could i go to sleep

mother

knowing that my friends

had the power and

reasons

to end their own lives

to tear open their skin

to swallow handfuls of pills

how could i

how could i

and you yelled at me to go to bed

but ******

i couldn't

because they had done the same for me

even on school nights

but you don't understand

because this hasn't happened to you

but to me

it is very real

it is happening now

it is all i know

the yelling

the crying

the blame

the abuse

and so much hatred

for you

but mostly for myself

and you do not understand

because it has not happened

to you