A lot of **** has been on my mind. Aside from how much I hate Christmas I'm focused on making money. And detoxing Quiting drinking Quoting smoking The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend. It ***** but that's okay. But what honestly hurts me the most Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel. Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about. But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes. She'd never hit me. She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive however If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's obstinate Unwavering. I respect it. It just hurts sometimes. she talks to her ex boyfriend. It's not wrong. Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for The same guy she said "Well, I just want to see if he's what I want." And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting. The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him. I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this. He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun. The only reason I'm so sure Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play. She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you" Or "I only hug him up for bud" excuses talking to him. Man, I feel ******* worthless. All I know is that I'm over it. I'm over hearing his name And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen because Because Because Because why? What makes hearing from him More important than actually setting me at ease. Does she not care? Do I even matter? I feel like I'm worthless these days As shallow as it sounds Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem. I don't even like money.