12:02 am i am lying awake and rolling around in bed but then i realise this is just another part of you in me that i must rip off of myself. i fall asleep with a salty moist pillow.

3:48 am i wake up and i wonder if it's yet the start of yet another way around the sun without you. it's not. and the sun never rises for me anyway.

6:00 am my alarm goes off. i turn on the lamp as if anything could light my path. i stay in the shower for almost three years, i can't touch my hair without feeling sick.

9:47 am someone touches my shoulder in the school hallway. it takes me a while to notice. is that my shoulder? and was that your hand? no.

2:52 pm i walk across the library to find something that could catch my eye like you did but all i find is my hands shaking cause someone smelled like you. i found a book about depression.

3:31 pm my feet are probably cold but how should i know when you're not here to tell me that? i bought new shoes.

5:02 pm i am in a car with my mum. she mentions how the rain is getting heavier again and how tiring the dark is. if she looked at me she'd never complain about the weather again.

6:26 pm my dad's throwing containers around the kitchen. you'd never do that.

7:02 i hold the door open for you and wait for you to walk through my walls again.

11:53 pm i lay on the sofa wondering if i still would see the starlight without you. i close the window. it's raining. my mother lights two candles and the other one just dies right away.

1:35 am i listen as the rain starts to scratch my window again. i hope water drops don't leave permanent trails.