Learning to accept has been and will continue to be the hardest challenge in my life. Change brings discomfort and one will never know what is to come. At nineteen years old I know I know very little. I know how to make someone laugh, I know that I take life for granted frequently (like most humans), I know that I will 'loose' the majority of people I consider myself close to in ten years or less. Most importantly I know that it is okay.
'Loosing' people is a weird term. Even in death we did not loose that person-we know what happened to them-they are not hiding underneath the couch waiting to be found. The people you 'loose' in your life are probably still breathing and laughing and enjoying their lives. For me, that was the hardest part to swallow.
I did not wish harm upon these people I was once so close to. I wished them all the best and continue to. They are amazing people, with huge hearts, and brilliant minds. However, I resented them for a very long time. It was hard for me not to take blame in something that had no blame to be had. It was hard for me not to think there was something wrong with me because I was poorly treated. 'Loosing' people crushed me. For a very long time I was upset and struggled with my mentality. It was very easy for people to walk out on my life and that made it very easy for me to check out as well. I hated that it was easy for them. I hated that they didn't loose me-they got rid of me. I hated that they didn't know how much I really loved them. I hated that it killed me-and they didn't seem to care. I thought I hated them, but my father had always told me hate is a strong word. People come and go-it is life.
With every person I 'loose' in my life-I loose a little bit of who I was. I just recently started to gain back more of who I am and wish to be. I am slowly understanding that change and this pain everyone feels is a part of life. I always knew it-just couldn't understand.
I am getting better. The silence that followed 'loss' forced me to get to know myself. It forced me to get comfortable with what I had-myself. The silence made my thoughts louder so I wrote. I wrote ten letters to the people who hurt me the most and then I wrote their parents. I wrote until I had blisters. Better on paper than in my head. With each word I wrote I felt myself relax, my breath went steady again, I slowly started to feel myself again.
I started writing thank you letters compared to constant unanswered questions. Questions that I now know will never have answers to. I thanked people for helping me by hurting me because they did help me. In more ways then I could ever help myself. They are amazing people who I am very grateful for. They paved paths which still continue to guide me through life. I thanked their parents for raising me practically as their own.
I only sent one letter out. I sent it to people I have known my whole life-who have watched me grow and help me grow too. My words had gone ignored or maybe even thrown out and it hurt. However their stubbornness only helped me learn more. The feeling of doing something right I felt much stronger than denial. I continue to write these letters because I will never be able to truly thank them for helping me learn to accept and become more of who I am. I must constantly remind myself that though change and loss bring discomfort, it brings clarity and understanding as well. And that is only something to be grateful for.