as I sit here, watching this door in the dark,
my mind wanders to what just happened.
my mind blanks out and replays everything that
was said in that one instant of that long night.
on everything, I regret every word, every loud,
disgusting word I yelled at you.
I know you were somehwere
feeling the same way.
I know you were somewhere fuming with heat and sorrow, wanting to come home.
but I knew you probably wouldnt,
since you know what I would have more to say.
But tonight... if you came back...
I would say nothing.
I wanted you back home,
safe with me, with the little family you have in me,
where you know I love you no matter what.
I burned a hole in the door that night,
hearing myself breathe, my heart jumping at every sound that passed my ears.
after an hour, my heart gave up on looking
so I rolled one and turned on the tv to drown the room with sound until I could forget.
I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge ---
you bought me my favorite ice cream yesterday
and when I looked at the tub... I wanted to drown
in my own hot tears that dripped down my face.
I snatched it and sat back down,
still anticipating that you would open the door.

after two movies and a show noone new about,
I gave up on listening,
I gave up on you coming home.
I slipped into a sleep that was uneasy but still
comfortable to my hot chest.
I laid there on the couch, half drowned
in ice cream and **** smoke.
my mind drifted to you and a future without you,
I drifted to a world where we werent we,
I shivered in the thought and when I could take
no more ... I popped up in a sweat,
and in my chair... was you.