Its dark outside
And earplugs are in
At the place where none can hide
Yet no one sees behind closed doors
I sit and decide it’s time to face myself
First is first I pick up my past from the bottom shelf

I see innocence like none I’ve ever seen
Soon to be taken at the price I never imagined
At the beginning I never thought I could be so mean
Life was always about me and I was in control
But now the struggle I face today started in grade 4
I never knew my innocence meant so much more

Most people just can’t believe me
That once I was a quiet boy
They assume who I am from what they see
Never knowing that the wall has many faces
“Oh what a clown so sweet and all is well’
Oh very sure I was quickly on my way to hell!

Do you smell the hypocrisy in the air?
I said I believed but I only knew
Never did I realize I was under God’s care
How many prayers did I pray to waste!
Grade 4 to 6 transition began to grow and grow
In grade 7, dominance was all I wanted to know

Never thought that a Baptist kid would retaliate
I was the greatest fool pushing people around
I guess I left Satan a wide open gate
He wreaked havoc in me for so many years
Yet I have barely even lived a life
But all my past has caused so much strife

The blame game made itself my safety boat
Every excuse and weakness that I could find
Anything – even my own mom – became a scape goat
I thought I was bigger and stronger than the world
Even though I was short and just a small part
I always fought never to give in it was all heart

Yet not even I believed my masked attempt to flee
I think that inside I tried to run far from myself
I hated the show and the inner monster that became me
I was the one that made the kids scared to come to school
I was a monster but no one could see it
The anger came from nowhere it seemed I just wanted something to hit

Over time the bullying seemed to stop
Well done they said but the problem was still there
I reckoned that I was nothing but a flop
You know the one you don’t get right the first time
Going through school was like going through the phases
But in reality I got nowhere in life’s mazes

Cheating and lying became my daily hobby
But busyness kept my conscience away
It was like my mind was always an empty lobby
Always thoughts flying through but progress always zero
I spent so much time being who I was not
That during the show the real me began to fade and rot

I even had a religious show going down on both my knees
Singing clapping but always inside I was dead
You know in truth all I was out to do was to please
Being religious was a trip it came just in time to graduate
But so quickly after the thrill had gone
I was back like a dog to his bone

Women were the first thing that I would use
They always warned me saying ******* was bad
I sank so low but thought I was high anything to amuse
I went through phases worse than the Lion King
Then I went for peace and the hippie train
Stealing and drinking were the only way to stay sane

I finished school then was on the run
From myself and the problems that I was causing
This is always first done in the name of fun
But the traps are out quicker than you can doubt
It was only when I left and just stopped for a moment
That I started to see that I wasted my life every moment

I mean even when I left I lied
But slowly and patiently God showed me my actions
And though I regret all I’ve done I never cried
It is almost as if my conscience is fried and burned
Now I wonder many times about the past
How could I have been so foolish to let my sin last

You know I hid everything I am so well
That it might take me a lifetime to relocate me
But I cannot help but feel like I was plucked from hell
My parents and my brother did not even know
All the lies and things that I stole
I never realized I damaged my soul

As for the present I find it hard to breathe
I find that restoring the lost is a journey
And that not even half the truth I struggle to perceive
I am just grateful that I am alive today
The Lord God Almighty has truly pulled me out
Out of hell’s fire and His reality I can never doubt

I guess what I mean to say is I am alive
Not for me anymore but for God alone
And I find that Jesus is the only reason I live
Because I still sin and ***** up bad
But I know that if I give 110 percent
God will make me decent

At the end of the day
I am just grateful
And so I say
Hallelujah
Lord God Almighty
You are my Daddy!