I remember fighting with my sister throughout my life.
More times then not, did it end with the words she always said,
"I wish I was an only child."
or
"Life would be so much easier without you."
I remember always saying....
If you want to be any only child, you can make it happen
I grab the biggest knife we own,
and press it to the skin above my heart
"If you want it to happen, push it in a little harder."

I can do better and be better
I'm not worth any of their time
I'm a burden to someone
They're all better off if I were dead
My mother should have gotten rid of me before the problem started

Thoughts like these ran through my head so often
Congratulations, you're the first to know that
I don't want sympathy, I just want someone to know
Just in case these memories consume me
Just in case something happens to me
Just in case the demons in my skin come itching back
If nothing happens, at least they're no longer being shot
through my veins like a drug

Someone else knows
Now what you do with it is ultimately up to you
I can only ask you don't judge me

My thoughts,
My fears,
My anxiety

They all still consume me

I'll never be anybody
I'll never do what I need to do
I'll disappoint you
I'll mess up everything
I'll make you sick to think I'm yours
I'll annoy you
I'll make you mad
I'll make things awkward just by being around

I'll make everything better I promise
I'll mark my not so empty canvas with crimson red
I'll push it in a little bit deeper this time
I'll solve everything.....

I PROMISE!