Hot coffee rests inbetween my thighs
Voices of family much too loud
For so early in the morning
On the road again, always on the road.

Last night my mind wandered into dark futuristicic dream places
A stroller and I made our way
Around the roads, I mentioned before.

So small, so small
I kept lifting my sweet baby up
And out, to let it breathe
Knowing deep in my heart
It was yours.
We went to see you perform
I remember in my dream world land
How fast and quick
Hip hop, break dance
Clad in orange
Fosse would roll over in his grave
I think Fosse is dead?
You were so good, so skilled
Like a flash of lightning
It made me feel like you must have felt
When you first saw me perform onstage.
Afterwards, you didn't even seem to notice
My small little baby
Our small little baby and I
You quickly left with your troop.
I think you might have waved?
That intense love you clouded me with
Deep in your hazel lost eyes.

My little baby and I
I discovered my baby was a he
And I lifted and lifted him deep out of the cavernous depth of the stroller
Goo goooo gagaing
My little baby--
Spoke full sentences back to me.

I just poured that cup of coffee all
Around and in my inner thighs.
Scalding me and bringing me back to reality
You could never have really
Done me right.

I called you, in the pink ****** bathroom
Of my dream
You answered, interested
And uninterested
"Do you wanna meet your little baby?"
"Your son"
"Your son and I"
The word son had you by your manhood
I could feel your longing and loving
Your forever desire for me
Of a future you longed me to give you
Over the tubes of the phone
A friend of yours walking opposite of me
Ginger hair, pulled me away from the phone
He had to have a talk with me
I think, now remembering this dream
That he warned me and my little baby
To stay away from you.
As if it was to protect you and your career
But maybe, really
The warning was a lighthouse for me.

You, yourself told me in your ninja turtle reality
How you dreamed of this circumstance
And "we did it."
We had that little family though unintentionally
And I could see in your eyes in that moment:
I am everything you want
If only I felt the same, I thought.
But in my nightmare
I'm left alone
As it really was
As it really is
And it doesn't matter how many words of reassurance you give me
There will ways be an epic wasteland
Where you weren't enough
So I let go of the desire to share
To share this, all of it
And write it out instead.

And the hot coffee still stinging
My inner thighs
As everyone in my reality
Stares at their cell phones
And tells me of information
Of people
No longer in my life.