the other day an online friend told me I was one of the most positive people they knew
how amazing it is that i can speak to someone's needs when they didn't realise they needed it the most
that's my internet smile speaking
telling people they can do it and oozing sunshine and rainbows out of pores I didn't even know existed
when in reality all I want scratch that need is for someone to tell me my struggles are not all in my head.
if you could see my face you'd see my Internet smile and eyes on the verge of flooding.

There is so much I want to tell you. How not fine and super awesome I've been. How most nights I cry into my pillow, wondering what it would be like to just stop living
I want to ask you how I got here, as if you could tell me the exact coordinates of the place I fell from the face of the earth but I know
you are asking yourself the exact same question
how are we surviving in a world that's constantly trying to bring us down

why is it that every time I see something good
my memory erases it faster than I can blink its like
I am hardwired to not feel happy
I want to tell you about the panic I felt when I misplaced my blade
I want to tell you how when I found a new one i could breathe again even though I told you I'd stop
I'm not using them but I still want to tell you about the urges
the tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers I get when I don't
how I forget how to breathe the moment I need oxygen the most how my lungs feel like fire in a drought-stricken desert this is what dying must feel like
what does laughter sound like?

some days I wake up feeling numb from my head to toe it hurts so much
when i can't remember why i'm still here i think about how you reacted when i told you i couldn't keep on going
somehow i find courage in the cracks of your voice you wanted me here
and so i'll stay
i'll hang on the best i can though my hands are sweaty and my fingers might slip and some days my arms feel like brittle sticks about to snap in two
i'm not going to let go yet

i want to tell you that in the dark hours of the night right before the clock strikes 12 i see you everywhere and i'm so sorry i am so sorry for breaking Us
i want to tell you how much i miss you
ask if you feel the same
i wish things were the way the used to be i'll tell you
but I won't tell you any of this
I've got an internet smile
and an "I'm fine" when you ask for it
whether they are lies or the truth, I hope to guarantee you will never
find
out