How can I believe it when I finally feel happy for the first time in weeks. When I laugh really loudly or when I smile, so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes crinkle. How can I believe it when so many times I thought it was all going to be ok to have it snatched away from me moments later. I don't trust being happy anymore. Perhaps I have become too much of a realist that I can't allow myself to feel a split second of joy because I know it's not permanent. As much as I don't want it to, my happiness and well being solely depends on others. The fact that I can't possibly feel content when I sit by myself in an empty room is disturbing and the only thing that can comfort me is knowing that tomorrow will be a good day. I plant my happiness inside other people and what they don't understand is once they let me down I'll refuse to water it and I'll leave it to wither and die along with the phone calls you keep declining and letters I wrote that you keep tearing, to pieces. did you not see I gave you my heart broken and battered but still willing to love. Are you truly blind or are you choosing not to see my dead tired eyes filled with regret? Are you truly deaf or are you trying not to hear my cries for help that's starting to ring in my ears and the sound of blood spilling all over my bathroom floor. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here.