You’re too nervous around me
He said
Though it shouldn’t matter much really
Just a personality trait
And true at that
Maybe it was just fate
But honestly
What did he expect?
Ignored me half the time
Distanced himself
Made me feel unwanted
   -Unloved
It shouldn’t really matter, truly
Silly child-like beliefs
In love
But it was just that,
It was heaven
Till paranoia crept in
Like the monster from under my bed
Depression seeped in with nightmares
With every blank glance and words unsaid

I tried being there, I tried pulling away
I tried what I could bear
Day after day
Watching my own tragedy
Break at the seems
The cracks poured in and drowned my depths
       -Shattered beyond belief
Because of my
inability to work socially
Too awkward to talk
Too shy
Terrified of saying the wrong things
So alone in my own mind
Is there anything I can say?
Anyway that it’s untrue
My anxiety came off as nerves
Mostly around you
Cause with you it mattered most
Someone for whom I cared
But you’re right it’s my fault
I couldn’t love enough to stop being scared

So I’ll watch from the backseat
As the movies go on
The confidant chick gets the guy
Or he fixes the insecure one
But nothing goes wrong here
Not like it does in reality
Guess I’m just trying to justify his excuse and its finality
Too nervous around me
Oh, really.
But the truths I could already see
I knew, how I knew, and knew all along
He’d never truly wanted me

So I laugh at the comments I bit back
Bleeding lips from words too tongue
In cheek I thank you;
     Graceful bow
For helping me along
For ripping away the stem of nervosa
You’d brought flowing with you since the first day
For the harsh remarks
-a slap to even those who’re stark
And the steel that I grew as I say

It was you
You who didn’t care enough to help
Who could not see the panic and fear I battled to try and stabilize myself
For you
To make us happy
Yes I had problems of my own
But I was there for you
And what did you do?
Nothing but leave me alone
Saying the cause was all me
My anxiety
My nervosa had won?
You know how insulting that can become?

I staved off the dragon in the mirror
To keep safe the tower climbing prince
But in truth I know now
Princes don’t exist
I was really my own companion
Fighting my own weakness’
With my own strengths
And now I know my own reason
Has to forever be only myself.