I'm sitting on the three blankets and pillow, I've been allotted to sleep on. I'm listening to the song I always do for these mind cleansings In the background, further still, my roommate talks to her friend; loudly, I might add. I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to. I'm quiet here, anytime I speak I'm generally ignored. For the most part that's fine. My anxiety has been really bad as of late. So has my nicotine addiction. No matter what I say or do, I can't pull myself out of this rut. I've been going on walks Two days ago, it was three or four miles Yesterday it was five or six Today, I walked at least six I'm not really keeping track. I'm not letting myself think. I'm not allowed to. "You're affecting everyone in the house." I wonder if you thought about how much that hurt me. I doubt it. I'm not wallowing in self pity so much as emptying my head. I quietly sit, No one has similar interests as me. I watch anime when I'm bored Or sleep. I think the epitome to how lonely I am here is the playing chess alone. I haven't had an intelligent conversation Well, since Ken and I discussed the black hole theories on time slowing and wormholes A week ago. I can't joke the way I do without hurting someone's feelings or being too obscene. I'm lonely Very lonely. If this were a game of house, I'd be the dog. I want a job so I can move out. So I can make friends. I want to go hang out downtown with people who want to talk to me. Who don't make me feel like **** for getting in my slumps. I want to be around people who won't tell me that I'm not allowed to be negative only to immediately counteract that with hypocrisy saying "only were allowed to be negative." I'm fluxing between three and four cigarettes a day. I'm not allowed to wear my safety hat because it's negative I'm not allowed to listen to "negative" music. I have more rules here then I did living in my dad's basement. "The grass is always greener" Honestly, I knew it would be like this. It's still better than being emotionally abused. Well, romantically anyway. I'm tired. I'm tired. Physically Emotionally Mentally And I'm getting fed up. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide right now is seeing an new city. Not my friends Just the sites Everyone back home has forgotten me Everyone here acts like I'm not. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm immersed in my reading, anime and poetry. No one understands. I ******* hate being inside my head. I ******* hate this. I ******* hate me. But I'll never say a word. Because if I talk, I'll be scolded for ******* feeling.