A part of my died last night. Well, I don't know if it so much as died as it just vanished. I think I lost the most important part of a soul. And that's the capacity to hope. I sobbed from dusk til dawn because part of what made me human walked out on me. How am I supposed to find happiness without hope? Without love? I kept my chest cracked open and vulnerable for the chance that he would take me back. All I have now is my dying heart and the final truth that I will never call him mine again. I feel as if I cried my soul out yesterday. I'm just a walking, breathing robot. A phenomenon of nature! I don't feel phenomenal. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of numbness. I lost love, then I lost the hope that love would one day fill the empty spaces in me again. The loss of hope is the loss of humanity. I grieved for the disappearance of the self that I had been. I am different today. Colder, less compassionate, slightly less alive.
When I woke up this morning, my ribs felt as if they all broke overnight. But I know that the crows outside my window must have finally gotten in. They had been picking at my bones, trying to get at the decaying flesh underneath. And I let them. What's the point of salvaging something that is past the point of no return? I think the worst feeling, the feeling that can break a person in half a second, is hopelessness. And when you walked away from me and half-heartedly said, "I'll always love you even if I can't show it," I felt everything but hope for a better tomorrow. Sorrow. Anger. Frustration. Grief. Desperation. Haziness. Numbness. Lifeless. Hopeless.