I woke in a panic,
a cold sweat
after all this time
I realized what was wrong
and*
I've no way to make a right what's happening...

I've  settled
out of fear of being alone,
settled
after being rejected & blatantly disrespected.

I long for the days I once had,
the life I once made,
I long for the unknown
yet I'm so afraid,

Afraid to move on
more then
what I've allowed myself to do...

I don't understand it myself
and feel so confused.

Laying awake until the next day
since
I'm always dreaming of
what we could be and have been.

I don't understand
how
I can still love you
after the devastation you've left here.

I have this notion of us
being
better than before
and moving past all the hurt...

I've even been told;
"a couple can separate for a very long time - like years and end up together."

I've thought that's what would happen for us,
but I have no trust,
You've showed
you can't be trusted,
and that's why I'm confused...

how do I still have feelings for you?  

Which I've thought I lost-- not locked away!

How is it you still can melt me to my core,
and
it's nothing there,
not for you or for me.

We've both moved on,
so how can this be?

GOD HELP ME PLEASE,

I've prayed this prayer over and over,
begging to let you go...

To forget about what once was and move on.

I've laid with another man,
took comfort in his embrace,
not even a thought of you while there,
and
I'm sure you've done almost the same,
You've hand plenty women or so I'd rather assume

Since evidently I never was enough for you

*I bet she's given
herself to you and
you've found love,
that I believe is what makes
the difference between me & you!

I have nothing left in me to give you.

Contradictions    
are
the fact that I have this
UN-abundant amount of love to give of me...
but feel I'd be crushed again
if I let in not just you- anyone.

I've pushed men away
because
I'm too scared,
so afraid...
that their going to be another you
or have similarities of you.

I can't bare the thought of being with you nor being with out you,

I refuse to allow another in to hurt me and devastate my life all over again!

I wanna wake up, I want to forget, mourn this bitterness, I need to let go of all the shoulda woulda & coulda...

what mighta been or the possibilities and all them filtered memories.

We've grown and changed and all I wanna do now is

WAKE UP FROM THIS ****** UP DREAM....
SLEEP WALKING THROUGH MY LIFE
LIKE A ROBOT DOING THINGS MECHANICALLY.

I hate what I've reduced myself to,
and for every little feeling I have towards you...

I'm always in a panic, a cold sweat...

You might come back may even come home,
oh my GOD
how I can't bare it, or you
because

You're my walking,breathing

NIGHTMARE!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
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