sometimes, I wonder if I'm more attracted to failure than people, instead seeing people as an opportunity to fail since failure doesn't exist unless other people are involved. like, do I want to try to kiss this person because I might get rejected, and, wow, how exciting that rejection would be, to be stopped from moving forward, to have a moment of consequence? success has no consequence, no stop for your body to think over; it's just a vertical plummet, everything on the up and up. failure is what it all comes back to, in the same way a half-empty hourglass becomes a half-full hourglass, only a matter of time. like, if this is how it will always be, I better get attracted to what I attract. like, I failed every person I've ever loved, and they failed me, and in that way, we succeeded, knowing more of what to look out for, more to falsely-believe we can avoid. like, things are going to go well for whatever amount of time, and then it'll get exciting, with all the pain and the time to wait out the pain and the feeling that you'll never be attracted to anyone ever again and the consequence you never believed in and the rejection of self and the half-full hourglass becomes half-empty and this is what I really wanted. it must've been. if it wasn't, what are all those other people supposed to mean to me? they can't have failed. the failure was mine; it's the only thing I can own, or own up to, because it's the only way I can make what happened into a success and not just something that made me less of a person.