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Sep 2015
I don’t want to hate daisies.
I love daisies.
I love daisies so much they might even be my favorite flower.
And I don’t want to hate daisies.

But I have to hate daisies.
I have to hate them because I was stupid enough to let myself fall before I looked at where I’d land.
And before I even got my eyes shut I was laying on the ground with a spinal fracture and bullet holes in my chest.

And I didn’t know how to continue living,
feeling the breeze, that would’ve given you tiny goosebumps, and made you fold your arms across your chest, whistle through your exit wounds. Hearing it whisper every time I hold my breath.

So I went and I broke the last promise I made. And I didn’t do it to hurt anyone.
And I didn’t do it because I had a choice.
I did it because I cant get the image of the layers of all the shades of green in your eyes out of my head. And how do you expect me to continue living knowing I’ll never feel the heat radiating off the trees burning in the forrest that was the symbol of happiness.

And I’ll never tell anyone this,
but before I ripped out every sane thought in my head that always put the cap back on,
I prayed that if there really is a God up there, that he would stay with me, and keep just a gasp of air in my lungs
so that I’d wake up.
And maybe you’d be there holding my hand and I’d get to see you smile at me one last time.

But God is just too good at his job I guess. Because I had swallowed those things an hour ago.
And I sat in peace, contemplating the probability of the existence of heaven and hell as I waited for the final words of the book to dissolve into my bloodstream. And to finally, print the all-too-predictable ending of the story in relaxed letters of black ink.

I will not be sorry that I don’t want to live in a world where I have to fall asleep in the cold air that has seemed to take place of ones lullabies played in their chest as they were wrapped in welcoming.

But God is too good at his job. Because the blackness I needed never came over me. And instead of feeling my broken heart slow to shallow beats, and my breaths become as slow as the seconds did in every moment that had been between me telling you I hated you and waiting for you to say it back,
I only felt nothing.

And I frowned at myself for being relieved at first.
Because in the morning when I lose the temporary escape from every cell in my body screaming for any touch that sleep will bring me, I know I will wish more than anything that my lungs had been idling for hours and that my body was as icy and stiff physically, as my every move will feel, having to function without feeling the air vibrations caused by my laugh.

When I first started writing this a half an hour ago, my intent was to express the unexpected paralysis and comfort that was flowing too quietly under my skin and how, while it was only temporary,
I almost felt okay.
I could barely feel the dull ache hanging in my ribcage, and I felt like maybe I would even genuinely smile again someday.

And I’d always loved gambling but I’m pushing my luck too far. And things are starting to come into focus again.

And I’m racking my brain desperately trying to come up with something I could do that would convince the universe to give me back the privilege of feeling my body temperature increase again.
But the only thing I am able to understand right now, is that I’m never going to be able to live a day in my life that I don’t wish I had spent feeling like this.
And that I hate daisies,
Because they remind me too much of you.
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