It started earlier that day
With Dostoevsky
It was brilliant but it really
Drug the soul through the mud
Spit on it
Cried tears of the world
Over my lifeless body
I slept for 12 hours that night
Sober
I hit the leaking air mattress at 6pm
And didn't get up til 7 something
I had the most beautiful nightmare during that time
I was with an old girlfriend
The one that left me alone
For a year now
"What do you want for dinner?"
She asked with a remorseful
Obligatory smile
Soaked in sadness
"Uhh....macaroni and cheese?" I said
I never knew what to eat
I never cared about food
"Really...that's what you want?"
I ignored her putdown and said
"Ya know. I'm really happy your back
Honey. This really beats the year of
Microwaved dinners I went through"
She smiled. It was filled with guilt
I never want to see her or that smile
Again, dreams...
                                  2
We sat in a warm room
Watching a storm
through the window
There was thunder and rain
Cracking in the darkness
Behind an old church
Dramatically lighting the sky
Like fireworks
"I've never seen anything like it!" I screamed, I was excited. I was happy
She frowned and said nothing
I never touched her in the dream...
                                   3
I woke up alone
Rolled over and looked at the clock
1:30 am
I rolled again
Sighed heavily
And looked down upon my
Naked body
I thought about the dream
The madness of this last year
I thought "Nobody should have to
Live like this"
Alone...crazy and alone
But I had
And others had too
and the ones
That felt it
But didn't soak the drywall
With their blood
Were the strongest
I missed the feeling
Of acceptance, of love
But not the coldness
It brings with it
To love beautiful women like you
Is just suicide...