this is how it happens:
first comes the shock. the ache has had no time to settle itself into your bones or braid itself into your hair. it doesn’t cross your mind as often as it should because you still can’t quite comprehend what’s going on.
then comes the worst wave of depression. the equivalent of a broken-hearted-tv-and-ice-cream-binge. you’ll use a few boxes of tissues and everything outside of your blankets will feel wrong for a while. you’ll cry until you run out of tears and then you’ll just feel numb and hollow like someone carved out your insides with a spoon.
third comes denial. you try to pretend like everything is still okay and your life is exactly how it has always been. you keep expecting a visit or letter because you slipped up again and forgot that the number you never deleted from your phone was disconnected last month and the birthday cards won’t come anymore.
next is the doubt. you can’t decide whether you should love what they loved in reverence or hate it because it’s just pouring salt in a wound that is desperately trying to heal. you wonder who’s next and why it can’t be your turn yet.
i guess the last step has to be acceptance - what else could it be? you have to turn your light on again and throw out your tissues and actually wake up in the morning. you no longer have an excuse to miss class or ignore another phone call. someone isn’t coming back into your life and now you have to be okay with that.
i think that’s how it happens.