Sometimes I click 'add a poem' and I just sit staring at the blank 'body section and feel my heart collapse in on itself. It's been that way recently. Everyone expects me to be happy when I can't and when I try really hard to be happy I get the timing all wrong as a result I'm kind of numb. I perpetually wish I was dead especially after a good night. I've heard that suicide tends to happen most after the committer has had a really good day. I can see how that's true. Have you ever looked at a beautiful painting while listening to a song that pulled you out of the deepest depression you've ever experienced? It changes you. I'm changed. I drink nightly. I spend every day surrounded by knives. I could make it look like an accident. I'm so lonely. No one cares. No one cares no one cares. No one gives a **** about me. I'm an excuse to ramble about what's hurting them. But it's okay. I'm here to help others. That's my only purpose. I'm getting tired though. I'm getting tired of being used. It hurts, living. I just want to make it stop. I'm tired of the whispers. No one knows how bad I really am. I never get far into telling them before they cut me off and I just shut up its how I was raised. It's all I know. And my feelings are irrelevant anyway. Whatever happens ,when I drink tonight, happens. I almost feel a genuine smile forming at the thought of self mutilation and self disposal.