When the phone rings,
I wonder

is it bad news

Always, I have a brief moment of panic.

I've never gotten the bad news over the phone. I found out you were dead on a sun drenched mountain top.

when ever I receive phone calls, I stare at the number, relief at unknown or business, terror if it's someone I love.


The side effects of living through your suicide
are the kind of side effects that anti depressants warns you about.
Depression
Nausea
Suicidal thoughts
Manic behavior


I was a better person when you were alive.

Now the world sees me,
wanting change.
Calls me naive
and tells me to do something about my dreams.

But what I am really asking for, is confirmation that someone gives a **** about someone else.
That Me,
and You,
we are connected.

I need to hear that someone will help.

I need to feel
like certain people think I'm awesome. Because I value them, I want them to value me.

And you,
you always thought I was amazing. You always felt like
I could change the world
and you offered
to
go with me.

I can't think about you being gone,
because I can't fathom a world without you in it.

What would I have done differently if I truly realized how much
life could change?

I would have held on to you,
not left you alone.

I would have forsaken all others,

now isn't that just.


Heads up,
damage control,
the sun has exploded

and I needed her to survive.