February
i woke up on an island at 5:30 am, 15 minutes of sleep
an infected lip piercing, a bottle of cisco and a tin cup
the acre was covered in sleepy studded bodies slumped over in tents and on the floor inside and
i watched the sun rise
i ran into someone i hadn’t seen in 4 years
we hadn’t heard from him after his rehab stunt and assumed he’d OD’d after he left
we stayed up together and he caught the first bus back into the city
walking along dirt roads with his fingers hooked in his belt loops
December
your band played my friend’s show but i didn’t see you
i was outside smoking and flirting away beers from lonely fathers
it was friday and i had worked my first 10 hour shift
i felt untouchable
the next night we met at the bonfire
you introduced yourself to me and my friend while we talked about her court case by the sink
it’s hazy in my head from the wine and the pills
a few months later i wished i could remember it more clearly
when i left the party you pulled the choke chain around my neck
told me i shouldn’t let myself be owned by someone else
then kissed my mouth
i was with you the night james was put away for ****** possession 5 months later
you swerved the van away 3 feet from the bridge railing
i wasn’t wearing a seatbelt
the taste of malt liquor turns my stomach
March
i met a man at a drum circle and thought i was in charge
until we left his apartment to meet my friends after a week and i was already 2 shots and 2 pills down at 11 am
i thought i was over intimidation tactics but i can’t remember 8 solid hours hours of my life
i know we ended up at overlook because that’s what they told me later
liquor had me feeling so good i forgot xanax was a drug
xanax had me feeling so good i forgot oxycontin was an ******
6 weeks later he was arrested for insurance fraud
he has a nice cottage with pink trimmed windows in santa ana and a steel rod in his spine
with how much time i have spent in rooms labeled as ‘calming’
you would think pavlov would have something to say about low warm lighting and
overstuffed couches and the effect they have now
some people say that when you watch someone die
you can see their soul float out of their body
i’ve never seen it
but maybe that’s just more proof
i don’t like to say overcompensation
but i don’t know what other umbrella term to use
for every time i have ever said “i love you”
to anyone