Waiting is harder than expected. Distance is shorter than it feels. Time is slower than the clock. And yet we keep holding on to it. Gripping until our knuckles turn white. Our fingers are dug into it and we hold on like it’s the only thing keeping us a float. Holding on is so much harder than letting go when all to hold on to is memories. The raft is shrinking and the simplicity of sinking becoming clearer to me. Mourning the loss of us would be easier than mourning a relationship stretched to its limits. Every day I miss you. Every day I struggle to get through and there’s not prospect of things getting better. I love being together but we’re not together. You took my love to California and my life feels more empty than ever. 10 days is all I will get to reunite my life and my love. My life and my lover. When it’s over I’ll be where I started. Empty hearted but with eyes so full of tears I can’t make them stop. I embarrass myself at public events with my red eyes and sniffling nose. I get the most frustrating pity I never asked for. I feel more alone than my lifestyle permits. I am completely afloat. So sometimes I think of sinking and the simplicity it would bring, but I know I couldn’t let go: you’re knuckles are as white as mine.